Fuck New Jersey Month

The A-B-C's of A-S-S Rock

So you and crap-rock have been seeing each other for a while, sparks are flying, and you decide its time to take it to the next level. Great to see you've decided to make the commitment! Avoid looking foolish by following my handy guide:

The ABC's of ASS-Rock!

Step 1: First things first, let's pick a name, something both memorable and meaningless, but it will also need to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers everywhere. Something like Buck-Hinder, Nickel-Eleven, or Seether-Back. You get the idea, anything goes, so just don't think about it too much, you don't want to alienate your audience by using big words or complex ideas or symbols.

Step 2: Now that you've got the most kick-balls name since Fuck-Meth its time to work on your vocabulary. Throw away any word you can't say with a sneer. This may seem limiting at first so try substituting for words with similar meanings (after all its not what you say so much as you look cool to white trash people when you say it). For example girlfriend, it never tough to refer to your "girlfriend", you might as well have a sweater vest on. So, try something else like woman, girl, or bitch. See! That was fun, and easy lets try another! Marijuana: first of all only narcs and old people say "Marijuana" say weed or dope and you will have more street cred than will fit in the pockets of your leather pants. Speaking of leather pants...


Step 3: Now that every bitch knows how dope you are at talking good, you need to look dope also. Get some tattoos, don't waste time trying to decide on something meaningful to put on your body forever, they will have plenty of things on the wall that other people have gotten for you to get too. Besides, there will be plenty of time to figure out what it means to you later. Now that you have full sleeves and some neck tattoos of names, its on to the clothes. Always wear something leather, always, and at least one bandana. You are only allowed to wear fur or feathers if you are the frontman, and drummers aren't allowed to wear sleeves, no exceptions. If you find yourself confused on how to act or how to look in pictures just make a face like either you just said the word fuck or someone just said it to you, both faces are acceptable, but only those two.



Step 4: Lyrics. Don't worry writing lyrics is easy. Forget subtlety or nuance, fucktaint! you don't even know what those words mean anyway. Just say whatever words come to your mind, and don't worry about if they rhyme now, you can just sing them like they do and no one will notice. (Pro tip: no two words rhyme better than the same two words, like the following example: "Everytime we fuck, its so real, I love to fuck, you make it real.") Don't be afraid to be vulgar, you need people to know that you have engaged in various and specific sex acts. Also, discretion is unimportant when broaching subjects like drugs either, if you and your girl were smoking Crystal Meth in the bathtub, you can certainly expect to write a song with lyrics like: "Smoking Meth in the tub with my best girl, we got high till she had to hurl." teenagers have proven time and time again that they will spent limitless amounts of cash for songs like this.

Step 5: Last and most important is Attitude. You absolutely have to have a sense of entitlement. You deserve what everyone else wants and doesn't have. Talk about how different you are and how you hate being famous (actual fame not important). Marry someone pretty, have a kid and divorce her. People will love how you are a family man and they will relate to your failed marriage.

Good luck and make sure you have plenty of wall space for all those gold records for your "achievements" in "music".

Worst idea ever.

Ok, so apparently one of the creators of UFC has been on some heavy hallucinogens. Or maybe he can just be persuaded to put his name on anything. Yes this is arm wrestling... to the MAXX!! apparently its pinfall, knockout, submission, or judges decision. its basically two guys holding hands and fighting as if one was trying to steal the others purse.

How about these cool new sports.
1. Demolition derby where the cars are welded together in pairs.
(id actually watch that now that i think about it... but just because i love welding)

2. Midget volleyball. but with a standard sized net.

3. Sexual sumo, where the idea is to lure the opponent into the circle rather than force them out. Better practice my longing stare.

4. 3 legged extreme racing. you know with obstacles like land mines and broken bottles. ooh and dirty syringes.

Encounter a danzig? Pray that he spares you!

It is a much known fact that the enigma we have come to know as "Danzig" is immortal and the definition of evil. No one really knows the true story that is Danzig, how he became, how old he is, does gender even dare to categorize him, will he spare me? All of these are question that we here at ghostboner look to answer. Obviously this cant be summed up in a blog post but we sure can try. From my research it has been learned that Danzig has been around since the dinosaurs roamed the earth, Many paleontologists theorize that He is what caused their ultimate demise. Apparently they wanted to bang heads with him. despite his numerous warnings in the texts of mother. I have also uncovered this quotation from a civil war soldier who claimed to be spared by the Danzig upon his encounter.

"he appeared there, in the mist, next to a great oak, charred to a blackened faggot
by the days battle, coated in the blood of our fallen brothers. In each hand he
carried the limb of a soldier - one of ours, and one of theirs. I coughed, as I had
been taken by whooping cough the week before, and by the time I looked back up, he
had covered nearly 60 yards on foot, killing every man between him and me. As I sat
weeping in my own urine, he passed me by, never looking my way."

The Danzig we know today has invented music as a way for him to channel his evil into the minds of our children, both through his rocking power and menacing lustful stare. sometimes accompanied by a bicep flex, and always shirtless. It seems the only shirts they make that can handle the heat of his evil skin is that of a mesh tank top.

Danzig is also asexual, meaning he Can produce evil offspring my himself. he needs no field to plant his seed. his seed plants itself and manifests under the power of a full moon. Many things have been traced back to him via the MPTA (Maury Povich Testing Authority) Hitler, chupacabra, Charles Manson, 3 of the jackson 5, and that guy who invented moon shoes.

If you happen to encounter the Danzig there are several steps you can take to avoid your demise.
#1 Obviously dont look him in the eyes, or the belt buckle. both will turn you to a charred pile of ash within seconds.
#2 Urinate in your trousers. This is seen to the Danzig as a sign of submission, and he likes pee.
#3 You can try to out flex him. You will likely fail but it is possible. You absolutely must rip your sleeves off first, and howl at the moon.
#4 Punch him in the face, he seems to be vulnerable when getting punched in the face by large fat metal singers. hmm go figure.

Kimbo Slice Is The Best Fighter Ever...

Tonight Kimbo Slice was supposed to take on Ken Shamrock, a washed up "legend", who hasn't won a fight since 2004. Ken cut his eye(in warm ups no less, who does that), and was deemed medically unfit to fight. In stepped Seth Petruzelli, a journeyman who most people felt would leave the cage on a stretcher. Petruzelli apparently didn't get the memo...

P.S. I've been calling Kimbo a joke since the beginning. I'm really smart.

Battle Rappin' Rules!

After watching this I don't understand why rap battles aren't more popular.

Todd Weeks

This man lives at:
7972 Council Road
Lewistown, OH 43333

I know this, because Todd knows this.
His videos are for sale on his website: www.toddweeksmovies.com
Under "Contact Info" on his website:

Contact Info:

If you want to talk to Todd Weeks,

you must send your phone number

in the mail.

I have free long distance, and

I will call you. I enjoy talking

on the phone.

Don't bother sending emails,

they go to another company,

and don't get read.

They are discarded.

I don't own a computer.

Something tells me he is 100% serious... at all times.


P.S. Todd doesn't own a computer so he doesn't realize you can use it to find anyone's phone number: (937) 686-8055.

The Diaz Brothers are Classy Boys

This was the scene after KJ Noons' EliteXC lightweight championship fight last night. The hand that keeps giving the finger near the camera belongs to Nate Diaz. It's hard to see, but at around the 0:54 mark, that same hand throws a water bottle at Noons' dad. I bet that goes a long way towards showing mainstream America that this is a legitimate sport for real athletes. Assaulting the elderly is the best way to prove that you're not a thug. To his credit, Noons' dad(who's a retired pro boxer), doesn't hesitate at all before bum rushing the scrawny punk. The Diaz boys are also probably the only people older than 12 that still give people the finger and mean it. If I want to show someone a little disrespect, I just waggle my penis at them...like a real man.