Show Me Your Genitals

When you've got style like this guy, you really shouldn't have to ask the ladies to expose their genitals. They should just know they have to.

Five Crappiest Fights of All TIme

#1 Diego Sanchez vs Josh Koscheck
Two dudes hate each other. You give these two dudes the opportunity to hit each other with absolutely no repercussions. This is gonna be a sweet fight, right? Nope. I can't even remember who won. I just know it wasn't me. Fuck, I hate these guys now.

#2 Kalib Starnes vs Nate Quarry
Sanchez vs Koscheck only beats this one because Quarry tried. I can't even comprehend what was going through Starnes's head. Maybe he was trying to answer the question "Can I win a fight without throwing a punch?". Nope, sure can't Kalib. You suck tons. Quarry's antics at the end of the fight are what kept me from shooting the TV.

#3 Andrei Arlovski vs Tim Sylvia III
Their first two fights were cool. This one made me sleepy. 25 minutes of jabs. When it was over, I wished both fighters would come to my door, let me hit them both in the face, and give me my $50 dollars back.

#4 Mikey Burnett vs Pat Miletich
Some of you kids may not remember this one, since it happened in 1998. These guys managed to give each other wedgies for the entire fight. The ferocity of the wedgies did kind of traumatize me for all of sophomore year though.

#5 Rashad Evans vs Anybody
You may think this is a bit harsh. Whatever. He's sooo boring. No one on earth is happier to turn a fight into a wrestling match than Rashad. Seriously, punching is legal. Kicking is too. Somebody should forward this to Rashad for the for the good of all mankind.

Five Best Fights Ever

#1 Forrest Griffin vs Stephan Bonnar
If you disagree with this one you don't like fighting, you like ballet dancing...fag.
Round 1

Round 2

Round 3


#2 Don Frye vs Yoshihiro Takayama
You've got to love two dudes who seemingly made a prefight pact not to block any punches. Seriously, more punches were blocked in the fight in Rocky IV.


#3 Pete Sell vs Scott Smith
I know they're not big name guys, but this fight was sweet. Hollywood doesn't write endings this good.


#4 Cro-Cop vs Wanderlei Silva
Awesome fight with an awesome knockout. Wanderlei crumpled like a potato can...potato cans don't crumple...potatoes don't come in cans...fuck...let's talk about something else.


#5 Randy Couture vs Tim Sylvia
This one's probably just on my list because I don't like Sylvia, and what could be better than watching him get knocked on his ass by a senior citizen who happens to be my hero. That means Randy Couture is more awesome than Wolverine.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet

Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket

Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker

Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten

Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston

Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle

Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

Reporter Bloopers

I was going to just put up the I used to be your boss one but then I found this one.

Dragons having sex with cars

I imagine dragons having semen made of fire. But, clearly I know nothing, because I used to think that there was no way people would want to see dragons fucking cars.

Amazing Double Knockout

A similar thing happened to me one time during sex, but my lawyer says I'm not allowed to talk about that, because "my version of the events have been challenged in a court of law". Whatever.

foreign people are silly

"I told a high school girl... I love you inside me"

Chris to get tattoo

As the headline suggests, I’m totally getting a tattoo. It’s a tugboat accompanied by the motto “Rock the Boat”. I’m an idiot. That’s my real body by the way. We just photoshopped on a head from a different picture to properly express the deep, thoughtful nature of a man who would get an intentionally idiotic tattoo. By “intentionally idiotic”, I mean totally bitchin’.

Jozin z bazi

I want to be that dancing beard guy... I probably need to go back to school.