Friday, March 6, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The UN-Bucket List
Now that my "crazy" years are behind me there are some things, looking back, that I meant to accomplish and can't believe that I never got around to...
Visit the Prehistoric Forest restaurant from Tommy-Boy. Website Its just sitting there waiting for me, but I think the fact that it is a functioning tourist attraction kinda ruined it for me.
Gotten Alcohol Poisoning. (See Camping)
Broken a bone, I broke my nose but thats cartilage. Maybe I am indestructible.... Speaking of breaking cartilage here is a fun fact: Chris fractured his magic baby wand diving weiner-first into a fat girls thigh, strange but true, but that goes for any sex story with Chris in it.
Write that damn movie. Its been in my head for so long maybe I got tired of watching it before it was made. The world really should see Chris "fishing". Lets just say the only things in his tackle box are a pair of tighty whiteys and a baseball bat.
Explain the difference between "your" and "you're" to every man woman and child.
Tell the world how good Justin is at Gay-Chicken. Oh well, I guess I can cross that one off. He has such soft hands, he must moisturize.
Witness a Spacedock. There is a whole plan for filming the thing with homeless people and hookers but in reality I just want to be there when it happens because it probably has never happened and it damn sure ain't been filmed.
Be involved in a threesome(the way God intended, with chicks). I've been training my whole life for this. The only thing that worries me is what if I get addicted and can't go back, I have enough trouble getting one girl to have sex with me at a time.
Kill a lion.
Jump on a moving train. I just want to throw my bindle up and the jump in like in the movies.
Punch Colin Quinn in the face. I was so close to this one, I found out the day after that he was down the street at a bar, I hate him that much I would have walked straight up to him punched him in the face and accepted any consequences. I am serious, I would go to jail just to have punched him in the face. He is possibly the least funny person on earth and he was on SNL for like 80 years, the magnitude of this crime cannot go unpunished.
Stay up until I went insane. I hear it happens at like 48 hours of wakefulness, after that I planned to write an episode of Spongebob.
Gotten high off of nutmeg. There is a ton of research that can be done on this on the internet, I guess I never got desperate enough to try it. But, I was lame enough to look it up so who knows why I never got around to it.
Build a sex slave fembot. Come on, I was too lazy to eat a bunch of nutmeg.
Catch a Thief. Actually I did this one but it went so poorly I feel I need a do-over.
Watch a porno all the way through from start to finish. In fact I wonder if anyone has done this. I'm imagining a terribly awkward situation where a mother finds her son's porn and says "you aren't going anywhere until you watch the whole thing", just to prove a point.
Get tired of calling my White friends "Nigger". I thought it was a phase, but I just can't get enough of that sweet taboo...as long as there is no possibility of actual black people hearing me say it.
Visit the Prehistoric Forest restaurant from Tommy-Boy. Website Its just sitting there waiting for me, but I think the fact that it is a functioning tourist attraction kinda ruined it for me.
Gotten Alcohol Poisoning. (See Camping)
Broken a bone, I broke my nose but thats cartilage. Maybe I am indestructible.... Speaking of breaking cartilage here is a fun fact: Chris fractured his magic baby wand diving weiner-first into a fat girls thigh, strange but true, but that goes for any sex story with Chris in it.
Write that damn movie. Its been in my head for so long maybe I got tired of watching it before it was made. The world really should see Chris "fishing". Lets just say the only things in his tackle box are a pair of tighty whiteys and a baseball bat.
Explain the difference between "your" and "you're" to every man woman and child.
Tell the world how good Justin is at Gay-Chicken. Oh well, I guess I can cross that one off. He has such soft hands, he must moisturize.
Witness a Spacedock. There is a whole plan for filming the thing with homeless people and hookers but in reality I just want to be there when it happens because it probably has never happened and it damn sure ain't been filmed.
Be involved in a threesome(the way God intended, with chicks). I've been training my whole life for this. The only thing that worries me is what if I get addicted and can't go back, I have enough trouble getting one girl to have sex with me at a time.
Kill a lion.
Jump on a moving train. I just want to throw my bindle up and the jump in like in the movies.
Punch Colin Quinn in the face. I was so close to this one, I found out the day after that he was down the street at a bar, I hate him that much I would have walked straight up to him punched him in the face and accepted any consequences. I am serious, I would go to jail just to have punched him in the face. He is possibly the least funny person on earth and he was on SNL for like 80 years, the magnitude of this crime cannot go unpunished.
Stay up until I went insane. I hear it happens at like 48 hours of wakefulness, after that I planned to write an episode of Spongebob.
Gotten high off of nutmeg. There is a ton of research that can be done on this on the internet, I guess I never got desperate enough to try it. But, I was lame enough to look it up so who knows why I never got around to it.
Build a sex slave fembot. Come on, I was too lazy to eat a bunch of nutmeg.
Catch a Thief. Actually I did this one but it went so poorly I feel I need a do-over.
Watch a porno all the way through from start to finish. In fact I wonder if anyone has done this. I'm imagining a terribly awkward situation where a mother finds her son's porn and says "you aren't going anywhere until you watch the whole thing", just to prove a point.
Get tired of calling my White friends "Nigger". I thought it was a phase, but I just can't get enough of that sweet taboo...as long as there is no possibility of actual black people hearing me say it.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The A-B-C's of A-S-S Rock
So you and crap-rock have been seeing each other for a while, sparks are flying, and you decide its time to take it to the next level. Great to see you've decided to make the commitment! Avoid looking foolish by following my handy guide:
The ABC's of ASS-Rock!
Step 1: First things first, let's pick a name, something both memorable and meaningless, but it will also need to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers everywhere. Something like Buck-Hinder, Nickel-Eleven, or Seether-Back. You get the idea, anything goes, so just don't think about it too much, you don't want to alienate your audience by using big words or complex ideas or symbols.
Step 2: Now that you've got the most kick-balls name since Fuck-Meth its time to work on your vocabulary. Throw away any word you can't say with a sneer. This may seem limiting at first so try substituting for words with similar meanings (after all its not what you say so much as you look cool to white trash people when you say it). For example girlfriend, it never tough to refer to your "girlfriend", you might as well have a sweater vest on. So, try something else like woman, girl, or bitch. See! That was fun, and easy lets try another! Marijuana: first of all only narcs and old people say "Marijuana" say weed or dope and you will have more street cred than will fit in the pockets of your leather pants. Speaking of leather pants...
Step 3: Now that every bitch knows how dope you are at talking good, you need to look dope also. Get some tattoos, don't waste time trying to decide on something meaningful to put on your body forever, they will have plenty of things on the wall that other people have gotten for you to get too. Besides, there will be plenty of time to figure out what it means to you later. Now that you have full sleeves and some neck tattoos of names, its on to the clothes. Always wear something leather, always, and at least one bandana. You are only allowed to wear fur or feathers if you are the frontman, and drummers aren't allowed to wear sleeves, no exceptions. If you find yourself confused on how to act or how to look in pictures just make a face like either you just said the word fuck or someone just said it to you, both faces are acceptable, but only those two.
Step 4: Lyrics. Don't worry writing lyrics is easy. Forget subtlety or nuance, fucktaint! you don't even know what those words mean anyway. Just say whatever words come to your mind, and don't worry about if they rhyme now, you can just sing them like they do and no one will notice. (Pro tip: no two words rhyme better than the same two words, like the following example: "Everytime we fuck, its so real, I love to fuck, you make it real.") Don't be afraid to be vulgar, you need people to know that you have engaged in various and specific sex acts. Also, discretion is unimportant when broaching subjects like drugs either, if you and your girl were smoking Crystal Meth in the bathtub, you can certainly expect to write a song with lyrics like: "Smoking Meth in the tub with my best girl, we got high till she had to hurl." teenagers have proven time and time again that they will spent limitless amounts of cash for songs like this.
Step 5: Last and most important is Attitude. You absolutely have to have a sense of entitlement. You deserve what everyone else wants and doesn't have. Talk about how different you are and how you hate being famous (actual fame not important). Marry someone pretty, have a kid and divorce her. People will love how you are a family man and they will relate to your failed marriage.
Good luck and make sure you have plenty of wall space for all those gold records for your "achievements" in "music".
The ABC's of ASS-Rock!
Step 1: First things first, let's pick a name, something both memorable and meaningless, but it will also need to strike fear into the hearts of teenagers everywhere. Something like Buck-Hinder, Nickel-Eleven, or Seether-Back. You get the idea, anything goes, so just don't think about it too much, you don't want to alienate your audience by using big words or complex ideas or symbols.
Step 2: Now that you've got the most kick-balls name since Fuck-Meth its time to work on your vocabulary. Throw away any word you can't say with a sneer. This may seem limiting at first so try substituting for words with similar meanings (after all its not what you say so much as you look cool to white trash people when you say it). For example girlfriend, it never tough to refer to your "girlfriend", you might as well have a sweater vest on. So, try something else like woman, girl, or bitch. See! That was fun, and easy lets try another! Marijuana: first of all only narcs and old people say "Marijuana" say weed or dope and you will have more street cred than will fit in the pockets of your leather pants. Speaking of leather pants...
Step 3: Now that every bitch knows how dope you are at talking good, you need to look dope also. Get some tattoos, don't waste time trying to decide on something meaningful to put on your body forever, they will have plenty of things on the wall that other people have gotten for you to get too. Besides, there will be plenty of time to figure out what it means to you later. Now that you have full sleeves and some neck tattoos of names, its on to the clothes. Always wear something leather, always, and at least one bandana. You are only allowed to wear fur or feathers if you are the frontman, and drummers aren't allowed to wear sleeves, no exceptions. If you find yourself confused on how to act or how to look in pictures just make a face like either you just said the word fuck or someone just said it to you, both faces are acceptable, but only those two.
Step 4: Lyrics. Don't worry writing lyrics is easy. Forget subtlety or nuance, fucktaint! you don't even know what those words mean anyway. Just say whatever words come to your mind, and don't worry about if they rhyme now, you can just sing them like they do and no one will notice. (Pro tip: no two words rhyme better than the same two words, like the following example: "Everytime we fuck, its so real, I love to fuck, you make it real.") Don't be afraid to be vulgar, you need people to know that you have engaged in various and specific sex acts. Also, discretion is unimportant when broaching subjects like drugs either, if you and your girl were smoking Crystal Meth in the bathtub, you can certainly expect to write a song with lyrics like: "Smoking Meth in the tub with my best girl, we got high till she had to hurl." teenagers have proven time and time again that they will spent limitless amounts of cash for songs like this.
Step 5: Last and most important is Attitude. You absolutely have to have a sense of entitlement. You deserve what everyone else wants and doesn't have. Talk about how different you are and how you hate being famous (actual fame not important). Marry someone pretty, have a kid and divorce her. People will love how you are a family man and they will relate to your failed marriage.
Good luck and make sure you have plenty of wall space for all those gold records for your "achievements" in "music".
Saturday, January 3, 2009
How To Dance 101
So I wonder what this fine dance crew is up to these days. If you guessed blowing truckers at the Pilot station, than you are correct.
Friday, November 28, 2008
The top 5 bad sex moves!
The Fantastic Voyage.- The fantastic voyage is any sexual contact with the highly regarded rap artist Coolio.
The W2.- This is having sex while doing your taxes. Note that the 1040EZ is a protracted form of the W2.
The Catch 22.- This is a 2 male, 1 female threesome.
The Captain Ahab.- Sex with an extremely large white woman.
The Lizzy Borden.- Sex while murdering your parents.
The Honorable mention list.
The French Dip
The Awful Waffle
The Shepherds Pie
The General Custard
The Pack Mule
The Debaser
The Quantum Theory
The Sleepy Puerto Rican
The Aqualung
The Buffalo Bagpipe
and
That girl you met at the free clinic who said she was there to get a rash checked out, but you knew better didnt you. I certainly hope you're happy with yourself now.
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