Can you have sex with a man and not be gay?

I know how our fan thinks. You lay in bed at night and wonder if you are gay. What does it feel like to have sex with or be sexed by a guy? We at The Boner want to help you by outlining the ways that two men can have sex and not be gay...

Twins - If you are one-half of post-separation previously conjoined twins. At this point it is possible to have sex with yourself, because it is technically masturbation. If you are a non-conjoined twin, and you engage in sexual activities with your same sex twin you are gay, sorry but you are.

Tom Selleck - Tom Selleck can have sex with you, and he won't be gay. But if you have sex with him, you are gay, and his overpowering masculinity will steal all of your remaining straightness. You cannot pitch to Tom Selleck, because Tom Selleck simply cannot catch.

Desperation - After exhausting all possibilities of coitus involving the opposite sex, you simply turn to homosexual activity as the only foreseeable means of copulation. The key to this one is the wording: you must have exhausted and I mean exhausted ALL other options. This includes: sheep, plastic persons, ugly sheep, couch cushions with bologna inserted, baked goods, questionably underage individuals, UNquestionably underage individuals, and fried foods.

If you are dressed as a super hero.

Intervention - In an attempt to turn a gay person straight it is possible to fuck another man without becoming gay yourself. But, only if the sex is bad.

Accidental fucking - It is possible to accidentally penetrate or be penetrated by an otherwise straight man and remain straight. E.g. Two amputees are enjoying a frozen custard. One man has no arms, the other has no legs. The man with no legs is seated and feeding the man with no arms, when, inevitably the custard begins to drip. The armless man licks the custard hurriedly and lightly grazes the legless man's fingers with his tongue. Which sprouts the beginning of an erection in the legless man's pants which have their empty leg fabric buttoned underneath. This state slowly forces said pants off of the legless man and on to the floor. Startled, the legless man quickly attempts to pull his pants back on, and in doing so, drops the custard... into his own lap. This sets the armless man off-balance, and having no arms to steady himself he falls ass-backwards, as it were, onto the legless man's erect and custard lubricated penis, thusly penetrating the armless man. This situation is obviously not gay.