The top 5 bad sex moves!

The Fantastic Voyage.- The fantastic voyage is any sexual contact with the highly regarded rap artist Coolio.

The W2.- This is having sex while doing your taxes. Note that the 1040EZ is a protracted form of the W2.

The Catch 22.- This is a 2 male, 1 female threesome.

The Captain Ahab.- Sex with an extremely large white woman.

The Lizzy Borden.- Sex while murdering your parents.


The Honorable mention list.
The French Dip
The Awful Waffle
The Shepherds Pie
The General Custard
The Pack Mule
The Debaser
The Quantum Theory
The Sleepy Puerto Rican
The Aqualung
The Buffalo Bagpipe
and
That girl you met at the free clinic who said she was there to get a rash checked out, but you knew better didnt you. I certainly hope you're happy with yourself now.

Top 5 sex moves we just made up!

As the ghostboner crew transcended upon their favorite eatery for beer and the best hot wings in the world. We knew that such a gathering meant there was work to be done. Work so devious the weak would shy away the very mention of it. Work so vile, so well kept in the depths of the mind that only one crew was capable of completing the task. Behold! The top 5 sex moves that we just plain made up.

1: The Post Master.- Must be performed in a moving vehicle, this is when the passenger takes control of the wheel and receives fellatio from the driver. Creating the image to oncoming motorists that he is driving... like a mail man.

2: The Sunday Gazette.- Possibly the most illegal of all the sex moves. and highly frowned upon by your neighbors. This is taking advantage of a pre-pubescent boy on a bicycle. Typically "helping" with laces caught in the chain.

3. The Duster.- This is simple and will inevitably happen to the best of us. This is performing oral sex on an elderly woman during the dry season.

4. The Maestro.- The Maestro is the most classy of all the new moves. It is receiving Fellatio while playing a musical instrument. You get 5 bonus points if it is a classical instrument, and the kazoo doesnt count.

5. There is a tie for 5th place
The Scorched Turf. Which is a sudden grab and yank of the Pubic hair. Typically without warning.

The Holy War. This is the proper nomenclature for Trading between orifices more than considered to be socially acceptable.

The Honorable Mention list.-
The Biloxi Trollyride
The Fortnight
The Burning Atlanta (same as the Flaming Amazon only with a different hat)
The Spruce Goose
The Jonas Salk
The #7
The Fantastic 4
The Ponce De Leon
The Lanky Nomad
The Happy Prospector
The Rosa Parks
The Innocent Bystander
The Conscientious Objector
The Black Tuesday
The Depth Charge
Pickle Nostalgia
The John Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men
The Fancy Feast
The Tahitian Treat
The Invincible Holocaust (passport required)
The Shattered Mosaic
The Wilford Brimley
The Wicked Game
and of course, The Breech Loader.

Top 5 mug shots.

5: Jimmy Von Crazy Eyes, of Boca Raton florida. was arrested for improper use of "the bells". Judge also reconfirmed he should not be within 200 yards of any school facilities... cuz hes creepy as fuck!

4: Theodore James Figliano the 3rd of Newport News Virginia was arrested for insider trading. Never judge a book by its cover people. Some of my favorite Nazis were well educated... Not that I uh have favorite Nazis or anything. DONT JUDGE ME!










3: Geoffrey Smithinson of El Paso Texas was arrested while caught in the act of "Boogeymanning" and not assuring clear distance. He was released under his own recognizance. When reached for comment he exclaimed "Boogey-woogie" which i believe is Gaelic for death to the infidels.









2: Billy dupree of St. Paul Minnesota was pulled over when officers spotted him "hauling too much ass" upon inspection of the vehicle he was taken in for over-bitchin of ones Camaro.

But fuck man that sum bitch gotta straight 6, rocker stock with dual blowers and Tasmanian devil mudflaps! God Damn!











1: Bessie Lynn Angus was arrested for Chasing children in a cow suit. But how are we to be sure thats not a cow uprising wearing a human mask.

QUICK EAT ALL THE BEEF YOU CAN BEFORE THEY COME FOR YOU!!!!

The Mustache: Friend or Foe?

"The Stash" is an extremely difficult piece of facial hair to sport well, here are the top five best ever...














5.Hulk Hogan




Iconic 'stash, he has always had it, which is pretty much a must for this list. Bonus points for it being blonde and technically a fu-manchu which is the only type of mustache tough enough for a man named "Hulk"






4.George Parros



Total badass with the flair and upper lip decor of a Spanish Conquistador. Quetzalcoatl wouldn't stand a chance against this guys bare knuckle on-ice antics, and a stash that would make a young Ron Jeremy jealous.



3.Burt Reynolds




Burt Reynolds is either having sex with a model, driving an expensive sports car, or both, at all times. All of the credit for his lifestyle goes to his upper lip resident.





2.Tom Selleck




Now there is some lip fuzz! This man's stash has the power to command armies, disintegrate hymens, and bring men and women to their knees. This is the mustache that made Ferrari a household name. Tom Selleck's mustache is the reason you don't see the mustache that often, it simply sets the bar too high.




1.Sam Elliot

God is jealous of this mustache. There are entire religions based upon this man's facial hair. If everyone's father had a mustache with this much authority, there would be no gay people.

Top Five Ugliest Fighters in MMA

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Five Crappiest Fights of All TIme

#1 Diego Sanchez vs Josh Koscheck
Two dudes hate each other. You give these two dudes the opportunity to hit each other with absolutely no repercussions. This is gonna be a sweet fight, right? Nope. I can't even remember who won. I just know it wasn't me. Fuck, I hate these guys now.

#2 Kalib Starnes vs Nate Quarry
Sanchez vs Koscheck only beats this one because Quarry tried. I can't even comprehend what was going through Starnes's head. Maybe he was trying to answer the question "Can I win a fight without throwing a punch?". Nope, sure can't Kalib. You suck tons. Quarry's antics at the end of the fight are what kept me from shooting the TV.

#3 Andrei Arlovski vs Tim Sylvia III
Their first two fights were cool. This one made me sleepy. 25 minutes of jabs. When it was over, I wished both fighters would come to my door, let me hit them both in the face, and give me my $50 dollars back.

#4 Mikey Burnett vs Pat Miletich
Some of you kids may not remember this one, since it happened in 1998. These guys managed to give each other wedgies for the entire fight. The ferocity of the wedgies did kind of traumatize me for all of sophomore year though.

#5 Rashad Evans vs Anybody
You may think this is a bit harsh. Whatever. He's sooo boring. No one on earth is happier to turn a fight into a wrestling match than Rashad. Seriously, punching is legal. Kicking is too. Somebody should forward this to Rashad for the for the good of all mankind.

Five Best Fights Ever

#1 Forrest Griffin vs Stephan Bonnar
If you disagree with this one you don't like fighting, you like ballet dancing...fag.
Round 1

Round 2

Round 3


#2 Don Frye vs Yoshihiro Takayama
You've got to love two dudes who seemingly made a prefight pact not to block any punches. Seriously, more punches were blocked in the fight in Rocky IV.


#3 Pete Sell vs Scott Smith
I know they're not big name guys, but this fight was sweet. Hollywood doesn't write endings this good.


#4 Cro-Cop vs Wanderlei Silva
Awesome fight with an awesome knockout. Wanderlei crumpled like a potato can...potato cans don't crumple...potatoes don't come in cans...fuck...let's talk about something else.


#5 Randy Couture vs Tim Sylvia
This one's probably just on my list because I don't like Sylvia, and what could be better than watching him get knocked on his ass by a senior citizen who happens to be my hero. That means Randy Couture is more awesome than Wolverine.