It is a much known fact that the enigma we have come to know as "Danzig" is immortal and the definition of evil. No one really knows the true story that is Danzig, how he became, how old he is, does gender even dare to categorize him, will he spare me? All of these are question that we here at ghostboner look to answer. Obviously this cant be summed up in a blog post but we sure can try. From my research it has been learned that Danzig has been around since the dinosaurs roamed the earth, Many paleontologists theorize that He is what caused their ultimate demise. Apparently they wanted to bang heads with him. despite his numerous warnings in the texts of mother. I have also uncovered this quotation from a civil war soldier who claimed to be spared by the Danzig upon his encounter.
"he appeared there, in the mist, next to a great oak, charred to a blackened faggot
by the days battle, coated in the blood of our fallen brothers. In each hand he
carried the limb of a soldier - one of ours, and one of theirs. I coughed, as I had
been taken by whooping cough the week before, and by the time I looked back up, he
had covered nearly 60 yards on foot, killing every man between him and me. As I sat
weeping in my own urine, he passed me by, never looking my way."
The Danzig we know today has invented music as a way for him to channel his evil into the minds of our children, both through his rocking power and menacing lustful stare. sometimes accompanied by a bicep flex, and always shirtless. It seems the only shirts they make that can handle the heat of his evil skin is that of a mesh tank top.
Danzig is also asexual, meaning he Can produce evil offspring my himself. he needs no field to plant his seed. his seed plants itself and manifests under the power of a full moon. Many things have been traced back to him via the MPTA (Maury Povich Testing Authority) Hitler, chupacabra, Charles Manson, 3 of the jackson 5, and that guy who invented moon shoes.
If you happen to encounter the Danzig there are several steps you can take to avoid your demise.
#1 Obviously dont look him in the eyes, or the belt buckle. both will turn you to a charred pile of ash within seconds.
#2 Urinate in your trousers. This is seen to the Danzig as a sign of submission, and he likes pee.
#3 You can try to out flex him. You will likely fail but it is possible. You absolutely must rip your sleeves off first, and howl at the moon.
#4 Punch him in the face, he seems to be vulnerable when getting punched in the face by large fat metal singers. hmm go figure.
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